Keep Going

August was hard. An indisputable fact.

People I love lost people they love. People I cared for immensely, went on, as Rev Arrington is known to say, to give account of their stewardship. One was unexpected. Now for most of us, that is the preferred way of departure. Just going to bed one night and awaking in the arms of Jesus. But it is absolutely devastating for those they leave behind. Crushing. Soul wrenching. Spirit killing. The other, it was low key expected, at least by me. I prayed fervently for a miracle and he fought for a long time. I prayed for him so long that praying for him crept into my prayers and I had to remember that he was no longer among us. His wife and some some of us are devastated even though it hadn’t looked good for quite some time.

Then a big church event had to be overseen. The stress of doing something you’ve never done before, with the entire congregation, community and your pastor watching was extremely daunting. Especially due to the city of Gary and the nonstop headaches they provided. Gary concerns  itself with ants when it

should be concerned with dragons.

Add to all this, life, and personal issues that we deal with, that we don’t speak to others about, because in our minds, they can’t do anything, so why trouble them with your problems? Then depression sets in. A least for me. It’d been going on for me since the beginning of July, but August was at fever pitch. I was diagnosed clinically depressed twice, once after my divorce many years ago and once a couple of years ago. Fortunately during both episodes, I had some of the finest insurance money can by, so a prescription of Paxil taken

once a day for six months did the trick. But now, my insurance is what my income will bear, so I can no longer see that doctor. So I was just, I don’t know, just spinning. Watching hours of mindless television, rarely prying myself out my recliner, no focus whatsoever, and I’d stopped working out. Hardly went the entirety of August, well maybe twice. Blogging and my podcast took a backseat. It’s been so hard putting on a happy face, doing life, crying inside, trying to move on, not anesthetizing myself with alcohol, and I love wine, SO MUCH, but it only makes matters worse. Now, if I’d been able to see my old doctor, by end of August, I would’ve been me again. The same Ilia inside and out. But I didn’t have that luxury. 

Some of y’all may be asking, so what did you do? Well, I’m still doing it, however, I felt a shift about a week ago. But I’m talking it out. Don’t laugh, but to myself. I’m fighting. It’s true, Donald Lawrence and the Tri-City singers have it absolutely right. “Sometimes you have to encourage yourself.”So I stand in front of a mirror and preach myself to a better place. I turn off the tv and play worship music.
John P Kee soothes my soul, kind of like David’s playing did for Saul. And only him, for some reason,

only JPK. Then I prayed for a week to be able to get back to my other place of peace, the health club. That wasn’t going well. Then one of my Facebook friends showed her before and after pictures and how she’d lost over 140 pounds. A whole person she’d lost. And something went off and told me, you have 28 pounds to go to reach your goal. Keep going. That figured into my depression, because in my mind I hadn’t made much progress. But now I know I have. I’m 3 pounds away from half my goal. Keep going.

I must keep going. You must keep going.

So everyone, just know, the meme that’s always circulating telling us to be kind, because we don’t know what people are going through is a fact. I’m pretty certain no one who looked at me or talked to me knew all the tears I’ve shed in the last 30 days. All the times I slept most of the day away, if I wasn’t glued to the boob tube. The times I wanted to spend with my grands, but I just didn’t have the mental fortitude. Life is hard. It’s rough. A roller coaster. The ebb and flow. But sometimes we just have to go through to get to. Gotta climb that mountain all by yourself. Gotta sit in the valley alone. In all honesty, I don’t recommend the way I handle it. Reach out to someone you trust for support. Somebody who won’t make your issues front page news. As I said, avoid 

alcohol/unprescribed drugs. Pray and move your body. Pray some more. It gets better. Day by day. I really miss my mom at times like this. Our most trusted confidant, moms after Jesus.

So I just want to tell you to keep going. If you can do one thing a day, while you’re going through issues the mouth can’t speak of, that helps. Keep going. And realize God has not forgotten about you. Keep going. Look up. Keep going. Put that fork down, lol. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Don’t quit on yourself. Be your biggest cheerleader. Keep going. Pain/hurt take time to heal. Keep going. Issues eventually get resolved. Keep going.

So again, be kind, because you have no idea what others are dealing with. Be light, so someone in a dark place can better see. 

Please know that there are organizations that stand ever at the ready to help those who TRULY need help, therapy and medications at little or no cost in some communities. PLEASE AVAIL YOURSELF OF THESE PROGRAMS IF NECESSARY. You’ve probably already paid for them through your tax dollars or contributions you’ve made to organizations that support programs such as these. Be encouraged.

Keep going

Ninakupenda 

Kupendana